"You Must Believe In Spring"

 It was important to me that the one year anniversary of my Daddy's death (or "birth" into the next phase of life, as I like to think of it) feel beautiful and hopeful.  I know God knew I needed that.  And He blessed me by giving me a bit of spring in January.  Just like I spent that day a year earlier enjoying my children and the sunshine at a local park, we did the same thing this time, only the scenery was slightly different from San Diego.  Here is our special, hope-filled day...

 My Michael climbing and smiling!

 My Sophia being her sweet, beautiful self.

 My Sammy after he slipped in the muddy snow but insisted on still playing.

 Sophia!   Jumping!

 The sky reflected so beautifully in the stream...

 Michael even noticed and pointed out the pretty running water to me.

 Being a cheese ball with his cool walking stick!

It warms my heart to see my kids running and going on adventures together!

 The kids found this lovely bird very close to us and flying around.  Daddy felt very close too.

 These berries were so alive and amazing.  Talk about a vibrant sign of life!

Even though there was still ice floating on parts of the water the kids were eager to step into it, throw leaves and skip rocks on it.  They remind me to make my own fun, enjoy the little things and seize the moment!

 Sammy...my precious little adventurer!

 The water was beautiful.  Even though it's cold, the birds are still enjoying the afternoon.

 Some geese flying overhead...  I love noticing beautiful, natural moments like these with my kids.

 Feeding ducks, just like we used to at the UC Davis arboretum when I was kid...

 Yes!  Kids being kids and running down the hill on their own accord.  

Can anything make you feel more alive than a sight like this?

 I love the running water.  What was frozen is melting, moving and sharing life again.  

Everything that has been frozen in death will be alive once more...

 All my kids are in this fun picture.  Yes, in  treasured moments like these the future is definitely brighter...

 I love the white snow on the ground and white clouds in the sky!

 That is me SMILING on the anniversary of my Daddy's death.  I can do that because he's taught me well (and still is) that life goes on and on...

 On the way home the kids started spontaneously clapping to a blue grass, pioneer-style instrumental version of "We Thank Thee Oh God For A Prophet."  It reminded me of the Civil War and Mormon battalion reenactments Daddy enjoyed.  I know he would love this song and their clapping to it!

 I had to stop and get a picture of these Canadian geese.  The first real report I ever wrote was about Canadian Geese.  I still remember going over it with my Dad and learning how to edit and rewrite!  It was such a learning experience and I think of that first experience of learning how to write every time I see a Canadian goose.  I know he used to remember the same thing when he saw them too.

 As I was doing dishes, the colors outside my window caught my eye.   Just like last year, Daddy painted the sky for me.  I took these pictures from my backyard while standing on a cold patio chair in my socks- but it was worth it!  Maybe someday I will edit out all those wires, poles and that fun, uneven fence!  But even without doing that, it's breathtaking.

 It feels good to know we have made it through a year without Daddy here with us the way he was before.  I miss him, but I know he is doing wonderful things in incredible places.  I feel him close to me all the time, especially as I watch my kids enjoying this beautiful world.  Life is ever changing.  Kids grow.  Seasons change.  Spring comes again.  And Daddy, well, he is having his own changing, growing and spring in the next life.  I am happy for him.  And I am happy to be here with my children and husband, changing and growing too...ready for spring.  Love, Eva  

I Hope You Dance...Sammy

Today was all about teaching and I'm thankful for that.  I'm so glad I get to see my kids grow. It's not always easy.  It's quick!  All I had was my cell phone to snap these moments today! But I HAD to...

Sammy hasn't come to dance with me for months, but we decided to try it again today and he joined in for about half of class.  Just seeing him smiling and twirling that ribbon was worth it!

It was worth being there for him during the times he didn't want to dance to be able to see him when he did want to dance. Sometimes waiting is the price for enjoying a victory.

Sophia was glowing in class today too. She shared her lift-the-flap art and was so happy. I have to enjoy these moments because they don't last forever.

And not because they are growing up, though that is happening way too fast too.  It's because by dinner time they are exhausted and tired and we are all ready for it to be bedtime. ;)

Seriously though, days like this are all a parent wishes for their child.  We long to see them being BRAVE, trying something NEW...GLOWING.  And I got to see that, today.

I hope they keep going, keep trying...keep dancing.  And I will be there for them every step of the way.

Love,
Eva

Melting Down and Standing Back Up Again

We went to a holiday arts activity at WSU last month and even though they are smiling here, it was not all fun.  My little Sophia had a "moment."  I like to call it this because really, we ALL have them.  "Moments."  Adults may gossip when they are frustrated.  Maybe it means venting on Facebook or indulging in that quart of ice cream.  We all have our own ways of throwing "acceptable" tantrums in society.  But for her poor little body and overstimulated brain a "moment" means completely falling apart at those ever fragile seams. "I don't know what to do!" "They're looking at me!" "I just want to give up!" These are some of the things she yells and it is heartbreaking.  I hurry her away from the other kids who are looking scared, and tell Michael to keep an eye on his brother, then she collapses in the corner.

I try to hold her but she won't let me.  How can this sweet little face not want me to hug her? How can this social sparrow feel like "there's too many people in the room"?  How can the same little hands that drew this bunny and Christmas tree now be clenched in fists, as she sits on the cold floor, sobbing?

 

I take a deep, slow breath and demand she does too.  I don't want her feeling like this, like she's a failure.  I won't let her.  She refuses.  Then she agrees to try the breathing but does it fast and quick to get it over with.  So much for that.  So we go through the next steps.  Rest.  Water.  Food. Processing mentally.   Luckily the WSU Art Department had a great array of snacks and bottled water.  First I convince her to drink some  water.  Then I manage to split a banana with her.  I take a bite and then she will, back and forth back and forth as we both sit on the linoleum, criss-cross applesauce.  I keep an eye on my other two at a distance, grateful they are behaving and we have some friends from the ward who are here as volunteers to help keep an eye on them.  

Then Sophia and I process.  We talk about how if she gives up and we leave now we will both feel sad for what she missed.  But if she tries again, with help, she will be successful.  I have to explain this about 4 times, during which I misunderstand her, accidentally finish off the banana and she is in tears again.  I take a few more slow, deep breaths.

But then something amazing happens.  We both stand back up again.  And, together, we finish what she started.

Being a parent is never easy.  Neither is being a child.  Yet, God has asked us to be both.  No one is born able to walk.  We try.  We fall.  And we stand back up again.  That is His plan.  It is what makes us stronger.  Throw a special physical, mental or emotional need in there and things get even trickier.  But the victories are also that much sweeter.  They really are.

It is truly humbling to be the mother of my kids.  Their challenges and frustrations bring me to my knees before my Heavenly Father as I ask Him "How am I supposed to handle this?" and I search my heart for answers.  I'm grateful not every moment is like this.  But I AM grateful these moments are there because they show me we BOTH CAN get up again.

Love,
Eva

Moving On...Within

It's a little belated to be sharing this, but I wanted to make sure it was here since I've spent a lot of time writing here about my Dad.  Here was my TBT and Facebook status on Christmas...and some closure...well, at least as much as is humanly possible when your heart is still open...

TBT My first Christmas ever... Today was my first Christmas without getting to kiss my Daddy on the cheek. I still miss him, but there were no tears today. Just a happy Christmas as I felt him near me, like that first Christmas many years ago. Families are forever. More than ever before I am thankful for the birth of a perfect baby boy that would make eternal families possible. Thank you Heavenly Father for sharing your Son and thank you Jesus Christ for sharing your gift of love with the world. And thank you Daddy for sharing that gift with me. This was the first scripture he ever memorized and he quoted it often to me. I quote it tonight:"For God so loved, the world that he gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. " John 3:16 

This was my status a few days later...

Love goes on. People might have to leave us for a while. Others are still with us and need our love even more. This was the first Christmas I had a "widow" to look after. She may be my mom, but regardless of that I hope to treat her with the same care and concern President Monson had as he looked after the widows in his ward when he was a Bishop. They need us. And we need them, because they have so much strength, wisdom and love to share too. I am so grateful my kids and I have my mother.

And finally, no picture, but today's status...

Sometimes at the end of the year I can start feeling discouraged- there are bound to be quite a few things on my to-do list that didn't get done! And even though another brand new year is starting, that thought doesn't help me too much.  What does help me is thinking of my Heavenly Father's To-Do list for me and realizing I haven't made much progress on MY own list because I've been working so hard on HIS- and that IS the first thing on my list, even if I didn't move very far beyond it. I may not have been performing at firesides, but I was home for my kids at night and available when they had a bad dream or wanted to cuddle. I may not have gone on any really fancy vacations, but I paid my tithes and offerings and was able to help some people in need- and we had a great family vacation to visit more family! I only made it through 1 novel, but I did read my scriptures regularly and 100's of kids' books in the mornings, afternoons and bedtimes. I may not have recorded 1 song, but I did record countless moments with my kids, encouraging them and helping them know they are important. I may not have a blog with hundreds of readers, but I am doing my best to be a good friend to those I know and an influence for good in my own circles and online where I can. I didn't run a half marathon, but I ran a 5k with both my mother and daughter, and then another with my sons in tow too. I may not be teaching thousands through a published self-help book yet, but I am teaching Sunday School, and Dance/Theater/Writing/Nature Studies to kids and hopefully inspiring them to embrace life! I AM THANKFUL my Heavenly Father trusts so many wonderful responsibilities to me. It's been a wonderful year, and I know the best is yet to come. 

This past year has definitely been a journey...of loss, of redemption, of hope.  Thanks for being a part of it!
Love,
Eva

Bedtime Blues with a Happy Refrain

Tonight, as I was getting the kids to bed 3 HOURS PAST their bedtime, I was feeling kind of burned out.  It's been a great holiday visiting with family and now the tiredness for the kids and entitlement after having so many "fun days" is kicking in.  As I replaced sheets on a bed that had been wet the night before (I thought we were over this!) and filled sippy cups I was feeling agitated about every little thing and very unsuccessful at this profession called "Mommyhood."  Was there REALLY a silver lining right now, in this moment in time? I wondered.  But then as I went to each of my children's beds to say good night, I came upon my Sammy.  He was already sound asleep, his stuffed Angry Bird under his arm.  He looked like an angel, peacefully resting.  All I could say to myself was "If this little boy could fall asleep so calmly and look so content, you must be doing something right."  To all the moms out there hanging on by a thread at times, I promise you ARE doing something right.  Because if you care enough to wonder if you are being a good mom, then you CARE ENOUGH.  And that care is what your kids need most of all.

More Than Special

This is my daughter, Sophia.  At first glance people don't know she's been diagnosed with ADHD, Oppositional-Defiant Disorder, and High-functioning Aspergers.  It's hard for me to even type those words because that's not what I see when I look at her either.  I see a vibrant, artistic, smart, caring, creative, sometimes crazy-loud & other times overwhelmingly shy, silly, thoughtful, beautiful, Christ-like child of God.  I know she's not perfect.  She's my daughter, so just like she's seen the worst of me, I've seen the worst of her.  But her "worse" is innocent, trying, frustrated, confused and yet still, her best in that moment of challenge.  And I'm so proud of her for trying everyday to fit in to this square world when she is a star.  

She did these art projects this week completely all on her own- no prompting from me...

Half of them she made because she loves art.  The other half she made because she loves me.  She wanted to cheer me up.  I can't think of anything more sweet or selfless for someone to do than take the time to create a piece of art out of their own creativity and with their own hands, just to help someone else feel happier.

Yes, she may not always be socially on target. She may not completely understand personal boundaries.  And we are still working on getting through the tired afternoon without a tantrum.  But she IS my sunshine.  She IS a joy.  She remembers stories I told her years ago with amazing detail, makes up songs while we drive to the grocery store and sees beauty in the simplest things.  

She fills me with wonder every day.  

It is a privilege to be the parent of a Special Needs child.  Some people who know me and Sophia may not think we fit in this category, but you don't know the things we struggle with behind closed doors.  Still, I would not be as strong or patient without her in my life.  She understands I get tired some days of the distractions that keep her from brushing her teeth even though I've been reminding her every minute for the past 10.  She knows I get frustrated and feel like an inadequate mom when I've put her to bed at 8:30 and she's still up 3 hours later.  And she may have ended up crying (loudly) at day camp this week because she couldn't make a Loch ness Monster out of beads as "perfect" as she wanted it to be.

But she also knows how to help.  She also understands that taking care of peoples' feelings is important.  When she prays she asks that our family can have help choosing the right and having the Holy Ghost in our home.  When she is her best self she cleans my room and decorates it for me with streamers, art and her favorite stuffed animals.  She holds me extra long when we hug and loves looking at the freckles scattered across my cheeks.  

And, I love looking at hers.  I love her.  I am so thankful she is in my life and I am lucky to call her mine.  Like anyone with a Special Needs child knows, "Special Needs" simultaneously is and isn't what they are.  Because they are so much MORE than a label or acronym.  

And yet, they are definitely, gloriously, special.   

Love, Eva 

Fleeting Summer Moments

My little Sophia had been asking me for a while to set up a pool in the backyard.  I said we would but, busy with so many other errands & tasks, I wasn't sure when.  She continued to ask & I continued to say I would get to it...eventually, when I had the time.  

Then one day, I saw this...

When I asked her what it was, she told me it was a pool.  She was done building it & she was about to fill it with water.  With a careful smile I tenderly explained that her design would mean a really muddy pool, that went up to her ankles.

But, realizing this was something that was really important to her & was going to happen SOME way or another, I went and got a kiddie pool.  Just look at her excitement...

As they played I couldn't help but notice this adorable, zippity, little bird.

I enjoyed watching him stomp over and snack on the bird seed I left on the fence for him

Then, in just a few moments of quick pecking, he was gone.

That is exactly how I view the time I have with my children.  So quick, energetic, vibrant & soon to be gone before I even realize it.  So I need to enjoy them.  I need to stop what I'm doing sometimes and just be "present."  That is the only real "need," precious time together TOGETHER.  

And, who wouldn't want to enjoy these sweet, fleeting summer moments?  Once I recognized the dishes could wait & the laundry wasn't going anywhere, I just sat back & enjoyed the view.  Then all I wanted to do was sit & stare & snap photos of these excited cuties!

And yes, I even enjoyed watching our dog chew on a stick to his complete delight!

That tongue! LOL

My birdie friend returned & then fled quickly away again...

So I was reminded again to focus on my playing children, because they are growing TOO fast.  Soon summer days like this one, with a spunky 8 year-old girl, silly 3 year-old son, and fun 6 year-old son will have disappeared...just like that little girl.

They really relish the moments they have together, as they learn new ways to play, laugh and explore this world.

And I want to too.  I want to just stop & really live & enjoy each precious day more.

The cute ones...

The silly ones...

The fleeting ones...

Because I know my little ones will be grown and gone before I know it.

And I don't want to miss a thing.  Love, Eva