The Four Thoughts That Brightened My Darkness

I'd like to preface the sensitive nature of this post with something my daughter said this morning...

Sophia: Mommy, do you like this dress? (pointing to a picture in a catalog)
Me: Yeah, it's pretty cute.
Sophia (said completely casually as she continued to peruse in her sophisticated-seven year-old fashion): I'll buy it for you.
Me (smiling and saying in my head): It's the thought that counts.

She has no idea how much that dress costs, how many hours of chores she would have to suffer through to earn the money- the whole nature of what it would take is beyond her.  But knowing she would like to buy it for me warmed my heart.

I have had many friends this year express sadness at severe loss and challenges.  For many it's been related to infertility or miscarriages.  I cannot say I know exactly how this feels.  I do not know the precise kind of excruciating pain many of you had endured this year.  I hope that if my words don't quite measure up to the comfort you are looking for, that you will perhaps think "It's the thought that counts."  And I hope you know that I am thinking of you.

Though I haven't lost a child, I have felt sadness down to my core.  I felt inadequate as a woman when I could no longer breastfeed because I had to take stronger anti-depressants.  I felt frustrated and angry with the Lord, "Why would he let me be so mentally sick that I couldn't breastfeed my own baby and enjoy that blessing of bonding with them?  I want to feel happier.  So why can't I?"  I have felt like I didn't want or deserve my body.  I felt like something was wrong with me because I didn't naturally love being a mother like all the women around me seemed to feel.  I have felt left out.  I had a child on either side of me but I often felt alone.  Then I felt more guilt for feeling this way.

I will say I have felt a heavy sadness and longing for more children now that I am over a lot of my depression.  I wish so badly I could see the face of what another daughter or son might look like, but I am left wanting.  My husband and I have prayed about it again and again and the answer is no.

I have broken free from much of this mourning by remembering 4 truths that I want to share with anyone who will listen.  They are my gems and rubies and perhaps this is why I haven't shared them sooner (though I should have since many of you have asked for ideas that could help.)  I felt inadequate to shoulder that burden with you.  But like Spencer J. Condie said, "Discouragement and its fellow travelers of depression, despair and hopelessness are much like the proverbial rocking chair; they keep us busily occupied, but do not take us anywhere."  I would not want anyone in that rocking chair if there was a chance I could help them out.  I am not a therapist or counselor.  This is just what has brought light into my midnights and joy within my pain.  Perhaps they can bring you hope too...  

1) You are God's child.  He loves you and is with you.  (If you are too angry or bitter to hear about this right now skip to #2)
You are never alone.  I know this.  Unlike Jesus who did suffer without the strength of His Father for a time, we do not have to endure that level of pain.  It might feel like it sometimes.  You might feel your heart hurt so badly you wonder if it will explode.  I know I have cried and wailed in shame at my own weaknesses and misfortunes.  But even in that moment of sadness He loved me and He loves you.  He loves the mess you are.  You are his child.  Just as we see the sadness of a child who might want something but can't have it right away but we still love them and the desires they have, He sees us for all the desires we have too.  And IT IS the thought that counts.

In a speech entitled "And a Little Child Shall Lead Them" President Packer told the following true stories..."Long ago a woman tearfully told me that as a college student she had made a serious mistake with her boyfriend. He had arranged for an abortion. In due time they graduated and were married and had several other children. She told me how tormented she now was to look at her family, her beautiful children, and see in her mind the place, empty now, where that one child was missing.

If this couple understands and applies the Atonement, they will know that those experiences and the pain connected with them can be erased. No pain will last forever. It is not easy, but life was never meant to be either easy or fair. Repentance and the lasting hope that forgiveness brings will always be worth the effort.

Another young couple tearfully told me they had just come from a doctor where they were told they would be unable to have children of their own. They were brokenhearted with the news. They were surprised when I told them that they were actually quite fortunate. They wondered why I would say such a thing. I told them their state was infinitely better than that of other couples who were capable of being parents but who rejected and selfishly avoided that responsibility.

I told them, “At least you want children, and that desire will weigh heavily in your favor in your earthly lives and beyond because it will provide spiritual and emotional stability. Ultimately, you will be much better off because you wanted children and could not have them, as compared to those who could but would not have children.”

Still others remain unmarried and therefore childless. Some, due to circumstances beyond their control, are raising children as single mothers or single fathers. These are temporary states. In the eternal scheme of things—not always in mortality—righteous yearning and longing will be fulfilled.

Even if you are alone in your home and feel like no one understands what you are feeling, God does. Sometimes just remembering that helps.

2) God has a plan for your Salvation.
You are divine.  You are not trash.  You are not some fast food meal.  God is making you into something exquisite, heavenly, incredible and perfect and that takes time.  It takes challenges.  "Even Joseph Smith could not have been perfected without persecution."  Your trials were chosen to develop you for Salvation.  That is not going to be easy.  But because God loves you so much He will not let you suffer for a moment longer than what is necessary for your growth. (If you are not in the mood to hear more about this go to #3.)

Elder Richard G. Scott gives one of the most tender, moving speeches on loss titled "Trust In the Lord."  I HIGHLY recommend watching it.  He says...

It is so hard when sincere prayer about something we desire very much is not answered the way we want. It is especially difficult when the Lord answers no to that which is worthy and would give us great joy and happiness...It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father...

To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love. 

 

3) Life IS Eternal
If you are so hurt and bitter that you do not feel God loves you and you do not care He has a plan for you, this truth might still help.  This is where my turning point has always come.  There have been times I have not wanted to trust any longer in whatever plan God had for me because I was emotionally exhausted, crushingly disappointed, and empty of faith.  I was done.  And if it weren't for knowing this truth I probably would have taken my life.

I have always been blessed by loving family and friends, but the battle for light and happiness ultimately occurs in one's one mind.  It is up to each of us to cast out the darkness of fear by replacing it with the light of truth.  And even if sometimes it's hard to believe in my individual worth as a child of God, or in the winding path He has for me, I do believe there is life after this one.

Life is eternal.  The end of a heartbeat here is the start of that life elsewhere.  Life cannot be stilled or silenced permanently.  For the depressed person this reality is at first cruel.  Ending the pain won't really end it?!!  I will still feel this sadness and have to deal with it even if I prematurely go to the next world?!  However, small children do not choose to do this.  A miscarriage is either the Lord's careful choice or simply the effect of having a mortal body.  There are many challenges that come because of mortality, even the mental illness people suffer, but that will not be the case in the next life.

Regarding infertility specifically, the prophet Brigham Young said...

Many of the sisters grieve because they are not blessed with offspring.  You will see the time when you will have millions of children around you.  If you are faithful to your covenants, you will be mothers of nations...And when you have assisted in peopling one earth, there are millions of earths still in the course of creation.  And when they have endured a thousand million times longer than this earth, it is only as it were the beginning of your creations.  Be faithful, and if you are not blest with children in this time, you will be hereafter. 

 

If you know life is eternal, suddenly some of the biggest challenges don't seem quite as daunting because they are temporary.  This life is just a tiny knot on the ever unwinding string of time as the kite it is tethered to flies higher and higher into the heavens.  This moment, though painful and real, is so small in comparison to the vastness of the eternities.

Personally, believing life is eternal has let me remember that my children will get to know my Dad and how he really is, funny, hands-on, always learning and joking.  Knowing this has meant that even though I don't have the time now to compose symphonies or dance and share my testimony through movement, I will get to perform more in the next life (I can't imagine what kind of stage and lighting effects they will have there!)  Keeping an eternal perspective means I will be the mother of more children someday, and I will see their faces and know all about them and we will grow as a family in the eternities together (and this helps me enjoy my days here a little bit more.)  Knowing that life is eternal gives me hope to endure with faith until that day when I am no longer bound by this body's limitations.

And if that isn't humbling enough, remembering God loves you and is always with you, that He has a plan for your salvation, and that your existence and life is eternal, remember this...

4) "The Son of Man hath descended below them all.  Art thou greater than he?"

This quote comes from verse 8 of section 122 of the Doctrine and Covenants.  For those of you who do not know, the Doctrine and Covenants is a book of revelations from God given during the 1800s to the first few latter-day prophets.  As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday-Saints, we believe God still speaks through prophets to all of His children, including these tender words...

 5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
 6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
 8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
 9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever. 

I will never be asked to suffer as much as the Savior did.  That kind of pain is untouchable.  And if he, the Son of God, told the Father, "Thy will be done," how can I question God?  How can I begin to think I know better?

In Elder Holland's inspiring talk "Lessons From Liberty Jail" he uplifts us by saying...

Everyone, including, and perhaps especially, the righteous, will be called upon to face trying times. When that happens we can sometimes fear that God has abandoned us, and we might be left, at least for a time, to wonder when our troubles will ever end. As individuals, as families, as communities, and as nations, probably everyone has had or will have an occasion to feel as Joseph Smith felt when he cried from the depth and discouragement of his confinement: “O God, where art thou? … How long shall thy hand be stayed … ? Yea, O Lord, how long shall [thy people] suffer … before … thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?” (D&C 121:1–3).
Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us. 

Fear and faith cannot coexist.  Light and darkness cannot share the same space.  One must out power the other.  We, our own thoughts, must out power the other.  It is allowing the Spiritual man to overcome the Natural man.  It is not always easy.  There are days I start asking "Why?" but then I remember what He said..."...know thou,my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"

All 4 truths are recapped in those sentences.  1) God calls us His son (or daughter.)  2) He tells us these challenges are part of His plan for us, to give us experience and lead to our salvation.  3) Because life is eternal, all these things can be for our good and lead to our exaltation. 4)  Art thou greater than he?

I still remember singing Robert Gardner's "My Kindess Shall Not Depart From Thee" with a choir when I was 18, whose lyrics are taken largely from the previous scriptures.  (I will include the lyrics at the end of my post for you to read, but the video is below.)  These words are overwhelmingly powerful anyway, but to music...there are no words to describe the feelings I get hearing this song.  On my hardest days all I have to do is remember one or two lines and its empowering melody and I am strengthened.  I hope it strengthens you and reminds you that the Lord is with you, that not even a sparrow can fall to the ground without Him knowing.  And He knows you deeper than you know your best friend, because He created you, raised you in pre-mortal life, and knows all of your thoughts, pains and desires now...please let His words comfort you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zq-KhxsUxNo

I wrote this post because I owe it to myself to write and remember what I've learned during the challenging recent years I've faced.  I hope it's a record for my posterity.  And I hope remembering these 4 thoughts helps them have more light and faith in their life.  If anyone else finds hope in these truths it will have made the pain I've endured all the more worth it.

I would like to end with a quote from an October 1959 Conference report...

One of the most urgent present-day needs is to house clean our thinking.  Because two opposites cannot co-exist in the mind at the same moment, the best way is to get rid of the undesirable thoughts is by antedoting them with good.  The best way to get darkness out of a room is to fill it with light.  The best way to kill the negative is to cultivate the positive, and the best way to improve our lives it to improve our thoughts.

Clearly, it really is the thought that counts.

'Till Tomorrow!  Luv, Eva

My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

Text and Music by Rob Gardner

For a little while 
Have I forsaken thee; 
But with great mercies will I gather thee. 
In a little wrath I hid my face from thee 
For a moment. 

But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee, 
And with mercy will I take thee 'neath my wings, 
For the mountains shall depart, 
And the hills shall be removed, 
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, 
But know, my child, 
My kindness shall not depart from thee! 

Though thine afflictions seem 
At times too great to bear, 
I know thine every thought and every care. 
And though the very jaws 
Of hell gape after thee I am with thee. 

And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee, 
And with healing will I take thee 'neath my wings. 
Though the mountains shall depart, 
And the hills shall be removed, 
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, 
Know, my child, 
My kindness shall not depart from thee! 

How long can rolling waters 
Remain impure? 
What pow'r shall stay the hand of God? 
The Son of Man hath descended below all things. 
Art thou greater than He? 

So hold on thy way, 
For I shall be with thee. 
And mine angels shall encircle thee. 
Doubt not what thou knowest, 
Fear not man, for he 
Cannot hurt thee. 

And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee, 
And with mercy will I take thee 'neath my wings. 
For the mountains shall depart, 
And the hills shall be removed, 
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, 
But know, my child, 
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

Who's On My Trampoline? or Jumping Out Of Depression...

Today was rougher than usual.  Just trying to write that much, I misspelled and had to retype three words. Sigh.

Maybe it's because I was up past 1:30 a.m. last night and I'm up regularly with my 2 year-old throughout the night.  Maybe it's the stress that comes with am unemployed spouse.  Maybe it's the usual food, self-image issues because I'm not in the shape I want to be in yet.  And then there are the other things that weigh me down a little all the time, my Dad's illness, living faraway from family, our financial debt from student loans, medical bills, etc., my daughter's Oppositional Defiant Disorder & ADHD (which my other two might as well have since they follow her every lead) and the depression I'm always on guard against.

My goal was to have a fun, laid back movie night and sleepover in the living room with the kids.  Maybe we would paint our nails and pop some popcorn too.  Instead I was being the maniac, pick-up-toys-Nazi that wouldn't join the pillow fight.  My eyes burned.  My tummy was full and unhappy from our pizza and ice cream.  Is my grouchiness because I'm burned out or because I've finally grown up and turned into a boring, rather-go-to-bed-at-9-while-wearing-earplugs grownup?  I did just turn 30...

But thankfully, there was a little bounce back.  What I mean was there were some moments when I was low or "depressed."  But then, like when you depress the part of a trampoline you bounce down into, I bounced back up.  I felt a little light.  Other people helped me fly even higher.  A call from my mom (though she may not know it because I vented and complained during most of the conversation) helped cheer me up.  Talking to my hubby helped too.  Hearing my daughter say "I love you" while she picked up some toys literally relaxed my shoulders at least an inch.

My son came up to me just to give me a hug. 

Of course in between each of these moments were other ups and downs too, but at least there were some ups between every couple downs.  Talking to friends on Facebook also gave me a little extra bounce.  And then I was "up" again, enjoying the loud laughter, craziness, requests for thirds on ice cream and the view of princess pillows and Batman blankets all over the living room.

I laughed out loud when my daughter told me she was going to wear the pink and purple beaded necklace we made today to college to she can remember me every day.  And I grinned when I was asked to babysit her troll, during which the only item I was given to take care of it was a hairbrush.  Then I grinned even more when my son eagerly offered to babysit the troll doll.

I had a counselor that called Depression a temporary state or in other words, "depressing."  He said just like "sometimes you're running or eating or sleeping or sometimes you have really staticky hair (OK. He didn't sat that last part.  That was me, but with this picture I couldn't resist.)  And sometimes we are depressing.  It's temporary.  We don't need to get caught up in labels and think we will always be this way or that it's part of what defines us."

Hearing that gave me so much freedom.  Before I always thought I was stuck in this depressed state unless I distracted myself from it.  Now I feel the opposite.  There are distractions in life that get us depressed and get us stuck in that spot.  But we CAN bounce back.  Just ask yourself "Who's on my trampoline?  What's on my trampoline?"  Surround yourself with happy, supportive people.  Invite God and Jesus into your life.  They want to be there and lift you up.  Throw off the crap that's getting in the way!  Would YOU want crap on YOUR trampoline?  Seriously?!  No!  It would bounce everywhere, hit everyone else, and you'd step in it.

Above all, be willing to fly back up again.  The opposite of being depressed is being uplifted and that feeling is real and light and weightless.  It's like your burdens aren't even there.  And feeling this way sometimes, often enough to give our emotional muscles a break, is totally possible.  I know because I have moments like this myself, without escaping through alcohol or any other substance.

It's been a few hours since my Wild Things calmed down.  One is asleep and The Care Bears movie is almost over so soon the other two will be out too (after the troll doll is tucked in and read to.)  There are so many ups and downs everyday.  The kids are so tired now they've hit the "weepy hours" and they are looking like I did a circa my evening meltdown.  But what goes down, must come up.

'Till Tomorrow!  Luv, Eva

P.S. Since writing this, today's manic wind has completely destroyed the net around our trampoline.  Oh, the life metaphors for trampolines could go on and on...

Thinkin' About "Light Vs. Darkness" While On A Walk With My Kids

 I love taking pictures.  LOVE taking pictures.  Photography has been one of my great comforts during the past several years of ups and downs.  I've looked forward to dressing up my kids in holiday get-ups or giving them fun things to do while I snap shots.  But all the while I've been learning too, and lately I've been thinking about light.

 Each of these 3 pictures is virtually the same.  The only difference is the lighting.  The first is very dramatic, with a high contrast of light and dark, bringing out the detail of the blossoms' edges.  The second is dark, making it difficult to see very much at all.  The third is somewhere in the middle, giving you a chance to see the composition of all the branches as they cross each other.

 This last one is dark around the edges, guiding your eyes to the center and distant, lit up background.  Light is what has changed the kind of picture you see, where your eye is drawn and the feeling of the picture.  The same is true for me.

When I fill my life with light, I am happier and things are clearer.  Sometimes life is darker, even though it isn't necessarily my fault.  This week I had a SUPER rough day, the lowest it's been in a while, and that was hard...to feel like I had relapsed as far as mental health goes. LOL

But a lot of darkness had been surrounding me.  There were some unexpected bills we didn't have money in the budget for.  I really thought that part of our life was OVER!  So that felt even more discouraging than it should of because it felt like a step backwards.  Since we are giving the Pathfinder back to the dealership after it stopped working after only a month, we are down to one car which is also about to break down.

There are the usual challenges that come with a child with ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder, an extremely talkative 5 year-old and a toddler- messes, arguing, trouble focusing on homework...  There were bowel issues- I know, can something go better?  Please!!

And then my period starts...

Writing about it now, it just sounds like normal life, but there in that moment a few days ago the burden was so much heavier than that.  Even if it was just the normal challenges of life, I felt DONE dealing with those challenges.

Looking back, thinking about light and darkness makes me realize that I just need LOTS MORE LIGHT in my life sometimes.  Sometimes light comes from people or music or scripture or prayer or pictures or favorite sayings or quotes.  And I just need more of it.  When I'm aware of bringing it in, I DO!  LOADS OF LIGHT!! :)  Then other times I just forget.

But I can't forget anymore.

So here are my "lights" today...

(while on a walk...a great way to feel some light!)

Michael with his mismatched pajamas, playing his $1 harmonica (which he keeps accidentally calling an accordion.)

 Sophia doing a silly walk/dance to Michael's music. LOL

 And her cute smile while she wears the pants I made for her out of a pillow case! :)

 I'm loving these pretty little purple flowers that are popping up everywhere!  And I'm excited about the garden we are getting started!!  I'm going to be a canning queen!  Maybe! I can dream right?! ;)

 Then, while out on our backyard walk, I saw a duck on the neighbor's roof.  Random...

 I loved watching Michael continue to play his "accordion" as he runs inside-talk about multi-tasking!

 And I'm so grateful for my neighbor's beautiful tree!! This picture doesn't do it justice, because it is BEAUTIFUL!!!

 But some of my brightest lights are the random performances my kids give...there's a pile of dirt!  It's a mountain!  No, it's a stage!!!

 Michael watches for a while, then gets in line.  Victor, however, is captivated.

 Michael follows with his own performance,

 and his cute tummy makes me smile. :)

 As does his silly little gun.  (Thank you Dollar Tree!)

 On our walk we saw our lazy cats, Casey and Lilly.  I suppose they are little lights to me.  It is fun to watch Sammy try to pick them up!

 And more beautiful flowers in our OWN backyard!!!  I can't believe those big bushes I thought were weeds are BLOOMING!!

 I guess I will think about that on the darker days..."I'm not a weed!  I'm just not quite blooming yet!" :)

 And a "light" for you if you need it- ME reading with my kids.  You are not alone in trying to be a good parent, friend, or spouse.  So many of us are trying, not perfectly, but trying is all that matters.  Things will work out!  And before you know it you will be on to better things.  

These pictures are from the day after probably the worst in my life, and I am already feeling so much better.  I'm reading the same copy of the book my Dad read to me when I was little- with all the voices too!  Yes, Michael has a bandaid on his head because Sophia scratched him.  Yes, I'm leaning against a headboard I've been meaning to paint for the past 9 months.  But that's OK.  In fact, its better than OK.  Because we are together.  Love, Eva

Footprints In The Snow

I was looking outside my kitchen window yesterday and feeling a little down.  On Wednesday, the 2nd!, I had already had my official first meltdown of the year.  Ugh.  It felt like no matter how much I tried or how much I taught, demonstrated, lectured, laughed patiently, or explained "punching isn't nice" in a variety of tones, my children were just not learning ANYTHING!

The bedrooms were a mess and any mere suggestion at picking up a dirty sock was met with whines of protest.  The living room looked like it had been hit by a hurricane only there would be no rescue team to help clean up the disaster because they weren't "done finishing their game."  Homework?!  But they just endured 20 minutes of that torture yesterday!  I was starting to feel like a failure as a mother...

And of course all of this was as I ws trying to leave and enjoy my first evening as a Young Women's leader in our church.  I finally got in the car, saying a mental prayer and hoping I could change my mental attitude in the 2 minute drive over...

I must be a terrible mother and teacher because they are not learning anything.

I corrected my thought a little.

I must be a bad teacher because they are not learning very fast.

I corrected it a little more.

I'm teaching them but they are just not learning as fast as I want them to.
But they are only 6 and 5...

And even more.

They are learning little by little and you are doing the best you can.  It's going to be ok.

Fastforward to yesterday.  Looking outside my window I could see little footprints in the snow. 

Most likely they are from our two kittens that must of been tigers in another life.  I had no idea they had bolted and ran in so many places!  Our yard is over an acre and I could see these cute little pairs of prints tracked in loops, zig-zagging through and under play-equipment all over the yard.

I started thinking.  If I could really see my "emotional footprints" or the "developmental footprints" of my kids, I would be AMAZED at the journey we've made so far. 

It's hard to keep track of that progress visually.  Like with our kittens, I don't usually know how much ground those little cats cover.  But with the fresh fallen snow to make prints in their path was clear.  And as I whispered a little prayer of love to my Heavenly Father it was clear to me that my family and I have come along way too.  I felt an overwhelming warmth in my soul, and I knew I could be proud of the efforts I was making as a mother.  I fel calmed, grateful and happy, oh so very happy to be at this place in my life.

A few minutes later snowflakes began to fall again, covering any evidence of footprints with a blanket of white.  And just as quckly, that swell of love in my heart dwindled down to embers again, still burning but just a memory of what they had been. 

Still, I am grateful for that memory and witness that the work I am doing is worth it.  And someday, maybe not in this life but definitely in the next, we will see or own "footprints in the snow."

Again, It's Been A While...

Sigh.  I don't remember exactly what I wrote in my last post, but I didn't reread it because I as curious to see how today's comments would compare.  Again, I've had a long gap in writing.  Did I learn something and then already forget it again?!  I seriously think that is one of the most important reasons to journal.  It's kind of like taking notes on life.  In a class we learn things every day, or at least write them down so we can review them and really get them into our memory.  Life is the biggest, longest class, with the most learning opportunities!  So here are todays notes for me...

When I write I'm happy.  When I exercise I'm happy.  It may be difficult during the process.  I may get interrupted 20 times and have to remind my kids that the toys they have out are plenty and now it's "Mommy's quiet time" but IT IS WORTH IT.  When I've exercised, I may be sore, but I walk with my head held higher, my posture better and my smile bigger.

Does it solve all my problems? NO.  Do I still have squabbles with my husband?  Yes.  Do my kids still try to convince me their room IS clean, as I can see in and view dirty underwear on the floor?  YES.  But at least I know I've done something for myself no one, or bad moment can take away. :)

For the last 3 days I've exercied consistently, more than I can say for the past 3 weeks.  And guess what?  I just wrote again too.  I know they are connected.  One good choice leads to another.

And it's that connection with myself, learning from myself  and with other mommies and friends out there that keeps me going.

Love, Eva

In Case You Haven't Heard About Stephanie Nielson...

Hi Family,

In case you haven't heard about Stephanie Nielson I wanted to show these videos about her to you.  They are about 11 minutes total.  She's a mommy of 4 who blogs (http://www.nieniedialogues.com/) , but she's been on Oprah and is an author too.  Why?  Because she is INSPIRING.  She is a survivor of a terrible plane crash where 80% of her body was burned.  I will let her tell you her story in the first video...

My New Life

The second video is of a song called "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hilary Weeks. 

Beautiful Heartbreak

I got to hear this song performed live at women's conference and it really touched my heart.  We ALL HAVE CHALLENGES, but they are all part of a bigger picture that we will eventually see and understand.  I know this.  I'm so glad that some people can already see their big picture.  And even if they don't, they live with faith and love anyway.  They bring so much hope to me.  Enjoy!

-Eva

My Downhill Slide... :( And Uphill Climb!

This week was hard.

It started with the hotdogs and chips they were giving out for free after the 5K.  I knew there would be food, and hotdogs, but I thought there would be some healthy options too.  I also thought one hotdog wouldn't hurt too much if there weren't other healthy options.

So I ate it.  And the chips.  My first mistakes.

Then I had to run errands and only had some granola bars in my purse- good ones, but still a packaged, convenience food that doesn't make my tummy very happy.  My stomach felt worse.

Then I got home to a house of stressed out, whining people.  The contrast from the high-spirited, inspiring event I had just left was drastic and depressing.  But there was a birthday party to get ready for, so it was rush, rush and more food, food, food.  It was easy to think, "I've already had some junk today and ran a lot, so I'm just going to let today be a day off."  A huge slice of cake, bite of cookie, scoop of ice cream and glass of punch later...I felt awful.

I used to be able to eat this and feel fine.  Yes, I was larger but I felt fine.  But my body cannot handle it now.  It had been weeks since I'd been uncomfortably full and now I had felt that way after several meals.  So you'd think I'd start the next day off great, right?

No, I woke up physically ill.  When I didn't eat I was nauseated and when I did eat I still was nauseated.

Monday, the same and another celebration to be part of.  I got my favorite fresh salsa and cucumbers to eat it with and was checking out when BAM!  I saw a sale!  Tortilla chips, Gluten Free, two bags for $3.  I grabbed a couple so other people could enjoy the salsa too.  Of course, I ended up eating most of the first bag.

Leslie Sansone (yes, from the cheezy DVDS where you can walk miles in your living room) says "One good decision leads to another."  I totally believe that!  You eat a good breakfast and you want to eat a good lunch.  You get a good workout and you want to fill yourself with healthy fuel.

But it's important for me to remember the converse of this too.  For me, One bad decision leads to another.  Do you think I wanted to exercise on the days I ate poorly and the days after when I felt sick?  No way.  The only thing that kept me kind of going was remembering that my Dad would want me to make the most of each day I have with my body and if he had the chance he would take the walk.

So my weigh in wasn't a gain...

But it wasn't much of a loss either.

Still, I took that small loss as a blessing and moved forward with it.  My family (kids and hubby and sometimes dogs) and I have taken walks four evenings this past week.  I took a morning walk wearing Sam on my back and pushing Michael in the stroller and saw goats!  Then we had to do the walk again so the whole family could see goats! 

 We've played at the park and stayed active and I'm grateful for that. 

But I am going to remember Jillian Michael's quote more:  Self-control is overrated.

On the show The Biggest Loser there's an episode where they're at a restaurant.  When she see's what someone on her team ordered she dumps an entire salt shaker on his plate so he can't eat it.  Well, I know now that if I have it around me I will take that one bite to "give it a try" or "just have a little and not be too healthy", and then I will take one bite more and then another and another.

Lab rats in experiments have proven it!  They will walk across hot metal plates to get to sweet and salty foods even when they aren't hungry, while the starving rats won't walk across those same hot plates for bland food.  The level of dedication to get that processed sweet or salty food was almost as high as the addicted rats trying to get to their cocaine (from The End Of Overeating.)  Our bodies are programed to want that flavor and the best way I've found to avoid it is to AVOID IT! :)

So here I am avoiding it...  That other bag of tortilla chips is going to be part of my work out as I jump rope on top of it and crush it to pieces. :)

More about the Angel Walk tomorrow!  Happy Friday!  If you're eating out try Subway or Blimpies like Chad and I did tonight  and "Eat Fresh"! LOL   Love, Eva

Grateful...Especially For My Dad

I recently saw a video showing many impoverished, extremely grateful people receiving wheelchairs.  Even though the circumstances are different, of course, I couldn't help but think of my Daddy.  A few days after seeing that touching video, my dear Daddy posted this comment on this blog:

Bodies ARE a gift. Even if they can't do everything, I am grateful for the parts that still work.
 

Some of you know my Dad and some of you don't.  Let me introduce you.
 My Daddy is the man who was born with an insatiable desire for knowledge (especially historical) and life...


He is the eldest of three boys.  My Daddy is the one who learned about a religion called Mormonism at the age of 18, was the only one in his family to join then and was soon on the other side of the hemisphere teaching it to others in Bolivia for two years.

He grew to love the people, serve them...

...even dress like them (yes, Daddy, your Cholita photo is on the internet ;))  Eventually he fell in love with one of them.

My Daddy is the man who convinced a woman to marry him by doing tricks, bringing her ice cream, pretending to eat fish at Sea World and by letting her be her crazy self, even if that meant his face ended up with chocolate all over it...

 My Daddy is the reason I was born in Provo, UT, helping rear me while he attended Brigham Young University.  He is the man who all the other kids at the playground wanted to have chase them too because he wasn't too grown-up to be playing tag up and down the slides.

He is the Daddy who pushed his daughter so high on the swing she hung on for dear life and flew so fast on his bike with her sitting on the back she screamed down that hill at UC Davis.

 He is the Daddy that helped get his girls ready for church each week and was worthy to baptize them too.

 

He is the Daddy who drove us to Disneyland several times, made armor, a shield and weapons from scratch, and then chose 3 dragons as his crest representing his daughters, three Valley Oak Elementary "dragons."

 

 He is the man who graduated again and again, convincing me of the importance of an education.

My Daddy is the Dad who sat in the front row of every performance, the stage lights reflecting off his glasses, and then stayed up 'til midnight with me enjoying helping prepare me for Calculus tests.

 He is the Dad who took his family to all 21 California Mission, stopped to read Historical Monument plaques on the side of the road and spent his weekends at Civil War reenactments, firing canons and crawling on his stomach down a battlefield with his rifle. 

He is the man who taught his girls how to polka in the kitchen, played Elton John songs on the piano while they twirled in the living room, and waltzed with his daughter at a Civil War Ball, faster than everyone else.


He's the Dad who enjoyed chaperoning his daughter's Senior night and went river rafting with her as a senior gift...

My Dad is also the man who one day, unexpectedly, fell on his way to the bus stop.

He is the man who started to lose feeling in his legs and began using a cane in his forties.

He could not longer run and crawl with his Civil War battalion.

But he continued to fire the cannon on the battlefield.

 My Daddy is the man who for years stumped doctors, and then came in with his own diagnosis: Erdheim-Chester Disease.  He no longer earns a paycheck, but he still supports his family, traveling to graduation ceremonies for his daughters across the country. 

 My Father is the man who walked for as long as he could, drove for as long as he could and then, in a wheelchair, accomplished his goal of visiting all 50 states, finishing with his entire family in Alaska.   

 My amazing, super-woman Mommy has been alongside him every step of the way.

 

My Father is the man who is beating the odds, still laughing and persevering.

 

  He is the person I thought of on those dark days when ideas of how to take my own life came into my mind.  His smile, faith and resilience pushed out the despair and filled it with love.  
How could I give up on life when he, with his bright mind yet withering body still hadn't?

If he could continue to look at the positive, be grateful and keep going, I could too.

Now my father is the Grandpa who sends emails late into the night.  He is the Grandpa who asks to have his grandchildren ride on his frail lap and plays with them, even though I have to stand close in case his arms get tired. 

He is the Grandpa who searched the internet to find the perfect stuffed fox as a gift for his Granddaughter, who he lets pull on his beard and kiss his cheeks.

My Daddy is the man who was diagnosed with a terminal illness almost 10 years ago, and is now the Grandfather of three beautiful kids.

 He is the man who can't really talk, but continues to type.  He has interviewed, typed and created two family history books for my family.  He emails me every day and is even participating in the 1940 Census project. 

He is the Daddy who posted on his daughter's blog:
 Bodies ARE a gift. Even if they can't do everything, I am grateful for the parts that still work.

I love you, Daddy.  Knowing you through your illness has made me more compassionate, more loving and more motivated to take care of the body I have and not abuse it.

You are not the same Daddy I had growing up all those years, but somehow YOU ARE even better. :)

 I hope you don't mind that I thought of you when I saw this video.  The link is here.  The situation that led to you in your wheelchair is different.  But the enthusiasm you still show for life is the same as theirs and fills my soul every day with hope.  You may be quieter now, but your are still teaching me even without speaking.  Thank you for teaching me how to be grateful. 

Love, Number One

P.S. Please don't be embarrassed by this post.  I know you are a humble man, but that doesn't mean I can't brag about you! :) Besides, we all need some inspiration sometimes and you are just that...inspiring. <3