Love is Eternal

I had a really special experience at the temple on the 30th and thought, what better way to start the year than document it.  I was in the Celestial Room and really hoping I could feel my Dad close.  But I didn't.  It had been so hard to make it to the temple that day, the kids acting up more than usual, my patience shorter than usual...I wanted all the efforts to feel worth it.

Then as I looked around the room I noticed a design on the walls, all over the walls, wrapping around the room.  It looked like the wheat in the Egyptian art Daddy used to buy me in junior high that I LOVED.  And I realized he is ALWAYS around me, all around me.  He is always there, loving me, looking down on me.  I just need to be willing to see it and feel it.

My mom found this book that really helped her cope with missing my Dad.  It's called "Wherever You Are."  It talks about feeling love from someone no matter where you are.  I read it to my kids tonight and then noticed this sweet picture on my little Michael's bulletin board.

Love really does go on and on.  It was in my Dad as he held his first grandson, named for him.  It's been taught to Michael by me, my Dad's daughter.  And Michael uses it now to care for his little brother.  Although there was a moment in the kitchen on New Year's eve when I had to stand still for a moment and lean on the wall for support, as my chest hurt, literally in pain as it hit me hard that for the first time I was starting the year without my Dad here to talk to and hug, I know DEEP down inside that his love still exists.  It exists all around me and deep inside me, and that's because he still exists.  His love for me is as real as it ever has been and I still feel it just like when he was alive, and that's because his spirit still lives.

I'm so thankful I know that.  It's a great way to start this year.

Love,
Eva

Good Samaritans & a Book Review: Behind The Veil of Depression

I mentioned in a post a few days ago a book that has helped me snap out of my excessive, even suicidal, depression.  I am not trying to sell some magic pill and I'm not making any money from the publisher or author for mentioning this book.  I just want to recommend somthing to anyone who might also be struggling to find hope.  Maybe this book can help you like it's helped me.

I was actually blessed to meet the author at a book signing I happened to walk into at Hastings.  He was packing up as I entered the store, with the help of another woman who I later learned helped set up the book signing.  After seeing the book title on a sign on his table, "Behind The Veil Of Depression: Finding The Power Within," I hurried over pulling my daughter with one arm and holding my toddler in the other.  I quickly asked for a business card, saying I was interested in purchasing his book sometime.

He told me it was a book that discussed his family's multi-generational battle with mental illness and his climb out of it.  He was now off meds and living depression-free.  I told him depression ran in my family too and that it sounded like great book.  Again I asked for a business card or other flier with information.

He explained he had copies for sale right there.  With eyes lowered, I responded that I couldn't afford to purchase the book that day.  I didn't say this, but the only reason I was in the store was because I was hoping I could trade in my only Wii game so we could rent a movie to watch as a family and pick up a book on ADHD a Dr. had recommended for my daughter.  I did not have enough money in my account to purchase the book.

He looked at me and a moment later was grabbing a book.

"Here, just take one."  My eyes started to fill with tears and I made myself busy, trying to distract from my overwhelming emotions.  It had been a long, empty day, one of the worst in my life.  A day I had told my husband I didn't have any desire to see our kids' graduations or weddings.  A day I had told him I didn't have anything but hollowness inside me, even as I stood outside in the warm sun.  I was tired of seeing things to be happy about but still feeling blackness inside.  I wanted it to change but didn't know how it could.

"No, no it's ok," I said.  My daughter had wandered over to look at the candy and asked me if we could buy some.  "No honey.  Not now.  Please come back over here."

I turned back towards him and he was handing me a book.  I shifted my toddler to my other arm as I wiped my eyes quickly, trying not to make a scene.

"Please, please take it.  Then you can email me and tell me what you thought.  Here, I'll write down my personal email."

I took the book.

He jotted an address onto a card.  He asked if I could read his handwriting so through my blurry tears and with a quivering voice I read it back.  Then he said to the woman assisting him, referring to me, "She is why we were supposed to do this today.  I really hope this book helps you."

We talked a little more about our experiences with depression and writing and the courage it takes to talk about this illness.  Then I thanked him and assured him I would email him.  I had to hurry off to find my Sophia who had wandered off again, to another part of the store.

With the craziness of errands and life, this book sat on my desk for a few weeks.  Even though I felt inside like it would help me.  Even though I felt like being able to get it was a miracle.  I could not have purchased this book on my own.  My almost new Wii game, which I had purchased with birthday money and had cost $40 (and I had only played once,) had given us a grand total of $4 store credit.  The store didn't have the movie we were wanting to rent and I didn't even bother wandering to the book section with how my kids were behaving.  So we had headed home that evening.  But not entirely empty handed.

Although I will spend a few posts explaining what this book has taught me, perhaps the biggest reason it has helped me is because I can relate to the author.  I met him.  I looked at him and saw the weariness in his face  when he talked about his experiences with this dreadful disease.  But I also saw where he is now, practicing dentistry successfully, doing humanitarian service around the world with his family, and teaching others there was a way to fight off even severe mental illness.  I knew he had been suicidal, unlike my previous counselors and Drs., and so he understood those intense, degrading, emptying emotions.  But he was over the shame, sharing his story and trying to share hope, just like I want to do too.

In that busy Hastings store I had looked into the eyes of someone else who had hit and lived in rock-bottom for years, just like me, but was now out of it.  I wanted to know his story and what had helped him.  And thankfully, Heavenly Father asked him to give me his book and he listened to that prompting.

A few weeks later, when I was sick and in bed, burned out emotionally and physically, I opened the book.  On the title page was this simple but profound dedication:

"Turn Your Trials Into Triumphs" -Dr. CW Roskelley

This is why I share my story.  This is why sometimes I am blatantly honest and run the risk of sounding crazy.  No one can know there are other people enduring and getting through each day with this illness if we don't open up about it.  If everyone with cancer or addictions or other challenges kept quiet about it, there would be no empathy, research, support or solutions for those issues.  Depression is an entirely different kind of beast, but it is still deadly.  It still deserves real consideration and study.  And it is still curable.

Most of all, it is an illness where if you beat it, YOU ARE STRONGER and a REAL source of support for others still in its grasp.  If you are still in its grasp, keep going!  Fight the fight!  It WILL get BETTER!!!

More hope later...Luv, Eva

Feeling Brand New...Thanks To A Loving Heavenly Father and the Most Amazing Book...

     As I have been quite vocal on the subject, most of you know I've battled depression for many years...11 to be exact.  During those years, and at the request of counselors, I have spent a LOT of time trying to figure out where the depression came from...I could write volumes on that.  At Dr's requests I accepted that severe depression is in my genes ( I do have some crazy stories from my ancestors) so I should get used to the idea of taking medication for the rest of my life.  I was also told I should expect to be depressed for a while since my situation WAS depressing and until it changed I wouldn't be happy. :/
     After a counselor said they couldn't teach me anything else because most of her patients were usually better after 6 months (thanks... :/), I was finally sent to a psychiatrist whose recommendation to me was to be "less stressed" and make sure my husband and I get out for an overnight date at least once a month, even if it was just Motel 6.  Being on Food Stamps at the time, as well as Financial Assistance from the govt., our church and family just to get our bills paid, my husband being recently laid-off and me being too sick to keep a job and with 2 kids at the time to find a sitter for, Motel 6 might as well have been the Ritz!  Just paying the gas and finding a sitter to make it to the apt. had been a miracle.  And on top of all that I was supposed to make more time for ME?  Like, "get my nails done" or "get my hair done?"  If I could afford to do those things, I probably would not have been feeling so low in the first place.  :)
     Years of increasingly lower thoughts and emotional pain led to me eventually being suicidal.  This mental state would last for months at a time, with a couple teasing "good weeks" in between.  Saying that that's a terrible way to feel would be a gross understatement.  When you are that low you feel crazy for staying alive and going through that pain again day after day after day.  In my case I endured it for my family, but I would go to sleep at night crying, knowing I would be getting up in a few hours to feel all of that sadness, despair, and darkness again as another day started.  The idea that there were just more and more days of life to endure was overwhelming and heartbreaking.  You pray for something to change...anything.  If your circumstances and health won't change, you pray someone will crash into your car so you'll die accidentally.  You hope you'll have a heart attack while you sleep.  You just want the pain you feel to end.
     In my case, I had been told I wouldn't feel better until I found the right medications which always meant months of dealing with unknown side effects as we tried to see if the prescription even worked, all while trying to take care of my kids.  That's the hardest part.  How honest can you be?  How much can you say to your Dr. without risking losing your kids?  They are the biggest reason you are trying so hard to go on every day, yet if you seem like you can't handle taking care of them they will be taken from you, only adding to your stress.  At the same time, if you put on a happy face and faked happiness as well as you could, people didn't take you seriously when you really did need help.  Even my own husband sometimes didn't know how terrible I was feeling because I was trying so hard to feel better, even though I was really dying inside.  When it came down to it (I knew from friends who had had neighbors go into mental health institutions and my own friends) you could often only stay in treatment like that for a few days and then you were right back in your everyday situation.  With a hefty new bill to pay.  Since financial stress had been the biggest trigger for my depression and with no family close by to help, all-day therapy never felt like a real option.
     So I dealt with it.  My husband did.  My kids did.  But we all suffered.  Really.  We tried our best to have fun.  That was how I got through day to day, by having fun, but it was not a cure.
     I now realize (thanks to an INCREDIBLE book I read, Behind The Veil of Depression: Finding The Power Within, which I will write more about later) that a lot of the counseling I received was a BIG waste of time that just prolonged my depression. :)  I'm smiling because I don't have hard feelings.  I know the counselors were doing the best they could with the resources they had.  I am not against counseling.  Counseling is how we learn tools.  But you have to learn the RIGHT tools.  I know now I don't HAVE to be depressed while my circumstances are like this.  I CAN BE HAPPY during ANY circumstance.  I don't HAVE to be depressed because of my genetics.  I don't HAVE to be on meds my entire life.  I can be in control of my own life and mental state.
     And that is SO FREEING!!!!  By believing (like I had been taught by professionals) that my financial situation had made me depressed, or that it was part of my genetic make-up, or that my mental attitude was decided by how I was raised or treated now as a mother, by agreeing that it was because of everything and everyone else, I GAVE AWAY THE POWER TO HEAL.  If it's genetic's fault, I'm stuck.  How depressing is that?  If it's my situation's fault then I can't feel happy until our financial situation is better...another depressing thought when credit and employment positions take years to improve.  But I always knew that many people living in much greater poverty and much more difficult circumstances were still happy.  So why couldn't I be?
     If I had kept believing what I had been taught I would still be grossly depressed.  I would still be suicidal.  I would still have no hope.  I had hope on the surface before, but now it is in my core, my soul and I feel so alive and grateful!
     I am really excited to be writing more about this transformation.  The first step was recognizing that it was MY OWN THINKING PATTERN that brought on my depression.  Basically, I GAVE MYSELF DEPRESSION.  That's going to sound strange and foreign, because we don't usually think of it that way, but it's true.  By thinking negative thoughts over and over again we affect our subconscious, we reset our body into accepting this sad, depressed condition through which we experience everything.  By accepting that it was my own repetitive negativity, I take responsibility and gain the power to change it.  I can change my thought patterns and change how I feel.  I don't have to feel sad forever.  I don't have to feel hopeless until our circumstances change.  I can start feeling better immediately, and I did...by believing ultimately in God's plan for me.
     That's all I can write now.  I want to keep sharing hopeful insights, and pictures and my journey of emotional and physical healing, I'm just not sure where. LOL  I might split up the info between a few blogs...I'm not sure how to organize it since this was meant to be my "professional" blog for whenever I get back into writing fiction.  I don't know that I want to saturate it with personal photos which I will be sharing a lot more as part of my positive thoughts.  However it all works out though, I am SO excited to BE EXCITED AGAIN, from my heart and soul about everything this process can bring.  Thank you for reading!  This life IS WORTH LIVING!! :)  Luv, Eva

Try A Sample...Don't Worry! It's Good For You! :)

Hi Friends! Did you know that over 40 of you checked my blog yesterday? Thank you!!! I am only now seeing the comments that so many of you posted after that firt weigh-in and it is strengthening me more than you can imagine. I guess some more posted after I had looked so I didn't realize there were more words of encouragement there. Your love and vocal support amazes me and is why I haven't quit yet. :)

I thought I would share some samples of some other good stuff you've shared with me...

First, I had a message recently from a college friend I haven't had contact with for over 6 years. Holland is the kind of guy you want as your friend, and what do you know? As soon as you meet him HE IS your friend because he is just that kind of person. He's kind, funny, accepting, spiritual, dependable, trustworthy, makes you laugh and just feel comfortable. What I remembered about him wasn't that he was overweight, but that he was an awesome, funny, good person and that he went through a transformation in college. You could see him running around the track, playing football and lacrosse. I didn't know what had changed, but he seemed even more happy than before, was soon engaged and then I moved and just lost contact.

Well, awesome Holland, after seeing my blog sent me something. Turns out my friend went on to study fitness, become a personal trainer and even write a book called The Fat Trainer. It's about "How An Overweight Personal Trainer Put It All Together To Get In Shape." It's great! I'm halfway through it and am really enjoying the tips to fitness he shares in a converational, relaxed but focused, even fun dialogue. He teaches the basics (and a little more) for effective weight-training, cardio work-outs, eating and general well-being. He HAS BEEN THERE and is open about his highest weight, his boredom with cardio and what he did to change it, and so much more. You can learn more about The Fat Trainer here, find it and Like it on Facebook or just buy it on Amazon for your kindle, ipad, bookshelf, whatever! for under $7. Holland, you are awesome! Thank You for sharing your experiences and knowledge!

Another blog (it's a whole lot more than that too) I was made aware of today that I have to share is Oh She Glows. That link will take you to her About page which has a provacative slide show with statistics and images focusing on the world's skewed view of health. I was overcome when I read the statistic regarding the number of 9 and 10 year-old girls who diet. My daughter is 6 and I am trying very hard to teach "healthy eating," and not how to starve yourself. This is important to me since close family members and even myself have struggled with eating disorders. Food is not the enemy! How we eat or don't eat, why we eat or don't eat and what we eat or don't eat is what we need to be thinking about.

She has awesome recipes that I am looking forward to using. After starting to read The End of Overeating (which I will HAVE to write about another day because it's amazing- check out the link for an article about it) I want to try harder to make crackers, breads, granola bars etc. myself so I'm not relying on the store's processed foods. I will hopefully post some tasty and healthy pictures of food this weekend. I hope these resources serve as more support for you like they are for me. Feel free to post a link or book title in a comment! I'd appreciate it! Thanks For Reading, Eva