Connecting & Crying With Laura Ingalls Wilder

Yesterday I found a kindred spirit who also loved her bearded, Papa.  Someday I will write here daily and make entire posts out of the "aha moments" I scratch down on random slips of paper or my mental chalkboard.  But till then, it's when I make the time and for this I AM making the time.  It seems fitting that yesterday of all days this happened, the same day I had just taught my own Creative Writing students about the impact of writing.  I explained how some don't believe the author to be the author of the book.  Instead, the reader is the author because they are going to interpret the story their own way.  What might be meaningless to one person might be brilliant to someone else because it connects with them differently.  Last night, I had a connection.  Here is my journal entry about it...

I was really blubbering tonight (have been a lot lately) but how could I not lose it while listening to this violin (that could have been part of a Civil War reenactment) play Auld Lang Syne and while reading these words: She looked at Pa sitting on the bench near the hearth, the firelight gleaming on his brown hair and beard and glistening on the honey-brown fiddle. She looked at Ma, gently rocking and knitting. She thought to herself, 'This is now.' She was glad that the cozy house, and Pa and Ma and the firelight and the music, were now. They could not be forgotten, she thought, because now is now. It can never be a long time ago." 

You can watch the video here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTEFeKESCmY&list=PL9912A544D3A8353C

The kids rushed in and gave me hugs, and asked why I was sad. And I was honest. "I miss my Dad." I don't know how to not miss my Dad. That's like asking someone not to miss the stars, or the majesty of colors in a sunset. It's asking someone not to miss the safest, warmest love they've ever known, because a Father's love is like no other. We're coming up on our first Thanksgiving without him here sitting with us. Last Thanksgiving was the final time my whole family was together, and my emotions are constantly just under the surface. And though I know he is doing greater things now than I can possibly imagine, and that I will see him again some magnificent day, the daddy's-little-girl side of me wants him visibly here, right now. It will be a year at the end of January since he passed. A year that I have not had his green eyes to stare into. A year that my daughter has not had the chance to play and pull on his beard and see him smile. Or see my son just rest next to him in bed, reading him books. I'm grateful he's not bedridden anymore, but he's so painfully missed some days. 

The other night my Michael came out from his bed crying terribly, saying he missed Grandpa. That's when your own faith is tested, when you have to explain on the spot what you believe is true and why it keeps you going. Because it does. It really does keep you going and keep you strong. And yet, there is still a touch or sometime a monsoon of sadness in a moment, because you were so lucky to have someone so precious, and then in a breath have them gone for a while. 

One of my favorite album pages of us

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? " No. I will remember him. I will remember him fiercely, and keep his memory alive and wonderful for my kids. That is the easy part. Just like Laura Ingalls Wilder put it, I have had so many gleaming, glistening, cozy "nows" with my childhood family, and then my good husband added in and then my sweet kids too. And I know we will make more all together some day, in a new, beautiful place. Till then, I will remember his brown hair and beard. I will remember his Civil War music, and relish the fact that my kids love the simple violin with it's free melodies too. I will hold my mom extra close on the days she wears the sweater she knit for my Dad. And I will think to myself each day "This is now." And I will make it a "Now" worth remembering.  

Love, Eva

"With Your Love"

I have a song up!!!

I was trying to think of something deep to write about journeys and not giving up, but I'm too excited- I just HAD TO BLURT IT OUT! :)

You can see the lyrics/notes on the song and "like it" here:

http://momwithaukulele.bandcamp.com/

Or just click below to listen or share with an awesome friend or loved one :)



(Yes, I had another bandcamp site but have forgotten all passwords to get into it and am still trying to recover it- What?  Me forget a password? LOL)

I would still like to do a lyric video so it's on you tube or just perform it on video, but that would require making myself up a tad, and I'm about to have a water fight with my kids, so that will have to wait. :)

One funny story about the page the song is on is the picture I used.  The only picture I could find of Chad and me quickly was this one where he held up the camera and took it thinking we were making funny faces...but I wasn't. ;)  Sorry Chad. :)

Also, when I was trying to find a picture for the header all my files were too large and I didn't want to deal with changing it.  So, I finally found this kind of blurry one of old brick.  I decided it was perfect and fitting because it was like me.  My vision in life is often blurry- I don't see it all clearly or "get it" quite the way God wants me too.  But I'm still here.  I may not be the prettiest building.  I'm even a little worn some days, but I have character.  And, I'm still standing. :)

Excited to post more songs soon!

Love,
Eva

Then Sings My Soul...HAVE PATIENCE!!! :)

As most of you probably know, I LOVE MUSIC.  Being a busy mommy now, I know the best place I can be in the evenings is home with my kids, helping them with their homework, eating dinner with them, cuddling on the couch with them for an episode of Wonder Pets, saying payers with them and tucking them in at night- whew!  No WONDER I'm tired all the time- that's a LOT of stuff to do. That's a lot to type!  And that's just in the evening! LOL

Anyway, even though I'm not touring or even performing locally as a solo act, I still write songs.  They come to my head and don't like to leave until I write them somewhere or finish them.  Songs are words to a melody, so they are easier to remember than just the words. 

I wrote one this month on Patience and sang it on the phone the other night to my folks.  Even though I'm sure they couldn't hear it very well and it was simple in rhyme and melody, I know it made them smile (even cry a little bit but it was "happy crying" like my kids call it so it's ok.)

Music has a way of speaking to our souls in a way that words alone can't.  Songs bring experiences back to our memory in a way the mind couldn't by itself.

For example, whenever I sing The First Noel I remember singing it as a duet with my father for a church activity.  We even gave our daughter Sophia the middle name of Sophia due to this experience.  That is a tender memory for me, practicing with him and performing, since he cannot sing now like he once used to due to his medical condition.  But I look forward to singing with him like that again someday in heaven.

When I hear the song Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel) I think of all the nights I wanted to "stay up all night planning our whole lives"LOL (that's one of our inside-jokes) and my sweet hubby knew to just sing this to me quietly and hush my worries and fears.

When I'm feeling down or even depressed, hymns give me a LOT of comfort.  I think I've probably sung "I Need Thee Every Hour" in my head a zillion times! Even while changing diapers!  Whatever it takes to keep a brave attitude during kids having the flu and other issues.  I even sang my song about Patience in my head while trying to rock a crying baby to sleep the other night.  The chorus goes like this:

Every minute of every day
I'm gonna let You lead
Your way is my way
Every hour of every night
I'm gonna trust in You
Things will be alright 'cuz
Whenever I'm down I know yYou're around
Yeah, life may be low but deep in my soul
I still know
It will all make sense some day
But until then I pray
"Give me patience"

If you need a lift-me-up today, and want something spiritual consider this amazing rendition of How Great Thou Art by Carrie Underwood.

 Or if you'd like a lift-me-up that's a little more upbeat, check out this.

  Music is powerful, and I am so grateful it is!  Love, Eva

Daddy's Song

This is the email I sent to my Daddy last night.  I'm a strong believer that we can all learn from the experiences we are all going through, and that's why I'm sharing this here...

Hi Daddy,

Your Father's Day present Part 1 is done...

A while back I believe I sent you some song lyrics.  After some more tweaking, I finally recorded a video of me singing them.  After more research I also finally figured out how to format it properly and load it to youtube.  And now it is here for you to watch.  If that didn't work try this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpQ_fR3XIk0&feature=youtu.be

I love you and hope you enjoy it.  I also hope you know nothing I could say or sing or write could ever really capture my feelings for you, but it doesn't mean I won't stop trying. :)

The text I included in the video description are below.  I love you, more and more every day.
Love, Eva

P.S. Part 2 of your gift is a recorded mp3 of your song.  Still working on that... :)

Description:

This is a song I wrote for my incredible Dad, who is enduring a terminal illness (and yes, those are my dogs barking in the back-sorry! :)) Even though he has been in a wheelchair for years and it's been even longer since he bought me that red balloon at the zoo, I still look up to him as my sweet, loving Daddy. I love you Daddy! Happy Father's Day!

LYRICS
I don't know why I wasted all this time
Let precious moments slip away
You're in the room but it's too soon
To say what I'm supposed to say
I can't stop the spinning of this world
So I've grown up but I'm still that little girl

That you danced with under the stars
That you held up to the moon
That you taught to brave the dark
That you bought a red balloon
And this feeling keeps coming but I can't help running
I just can't say goodbye to you
I just can't say goodbye to you

Life has surprised us, came up and sideswiped us
But you keep smiling through the pain
Don't know how you do it
Guess that's how you get through it
Wish I could always do the same
But I can't stop the spinning of this world
So time rolls on but I'm still that little girl

That you taught to drive a car
That you read The Hobbit to
That you helped buy her first guitar
When I play I think of you
And this feeling keeps coming but I can't help running
I just can't say goodbye to you
I just can't say goodbye to you

How am I supposed to let go
Just because the doctors say so
When they coudn't possibly know, no they don't understand
Daddy when I see you right there
Sitting all alone in your chair
All I still see is the man

Who I danced with under the stars
Who held me up to the moon
Who taught me to brave the dark
I will be brave now with you
Who taught me to drive a car
Who read me The Hobbit too
Who held me when boys broke my heart
I won't let it break for you
And this feeling keeps coming
But I can't help running
I just can't say goodbye to you
To you To You
Can't say goodbye to you
Won't say goodbye to you
Not after all we've been through
Not after all we've been through
Daddy I love you
So no goodbye to you
No goodbye to you

My Mother's Day Song, Dedicated To My "Mami"

Happy Belated Mother's Day!!!  I think my Mother's Day gift to myself was not stressing about getting this posted a little late.  AND not stressing about it being perfect.  I finally got it recorded at 11:15 Sunday night once the kids were all asleep, so it's the thought that counts. :)

As a Happy Mother's Day wish to all the women who read my blog (you ARE STILL a mother even if you don't have kids of your own!  I know lots of different women are loving examples helping me raise my kids...) I'm sharing a song I wrote about mothers.  I dedicate it to my incredible "Mami."

The lyrics are below, although I didn't sing them perfectly, and that's OK.  I didn't sing the notes perfectly and that's OK too.  My goal this year is to do more things IMPERFECTLY so that more GOOD things get done!  Thing about how much more we would do for others if we didn't fear imperfection.  :)  So don't expect Celine Dion (I'm not Canadian.) :)  But do expect to hear a woman who respects and adores her Mami and many Moms all over this universe!

Love, Eva

P.S. Gotta love the greasy kid finger-prints all over my guitar-proof I'm a working mom!  Yes, they like "playing" too...especially baby Sam!




"Mami"


Verse 1:  Mother Teacher
               Hugger Healer
               Lullaby Singer
              Angels are near her

Chorus: These are a few
            Of the words you
            Could use to describe her
            I must admit
            The truth is
            I've grown to idolize her
           'Cause even when
           She's not tryin'
           Her precious love shows
           She's closer to heaven than she knows
           She's closer to heaven than she knows

Verse 2: Giver Baker
              Dreamer Smilemaker
              Sister Fighter
              Faith glows inside her

Repeat Chorus

Final Chorus: And on those less than
                     Perfect Days when
                     Doubts rise up inside her
                     I pray she knows
                     My greatest hope
                     Is to be more like her
                     'Cause even when
                    She's not tryin'
                    Her precious love shows
                    She's closer to heaven than she knows
                    She's closer to heaven than she knows
                    Oh, Mamma, you're
                    Closer to heaven than you know